A TESTING TIME IN THE PAST

It's been one of those weeks, you know the ones where nothing goes right and it seems all your friends are having more fun then you are.

But I suppose I mustn't grumble... I have my health, I'm not exactly broke and my friends and those important in my life are keeping intouch with me. I was told recently that I'm a fine example of how to over come adversity and keep it together. I'd be the first to admit that there are others who have buckled under the strain of losing there jobs and trying come to terms with the endless let- downs and knock backs that is the job market these days. Only in February I attended the funeral of a work colleague who had taken his own life, he was 38.

Suicide is still a taboo subject in Ireland but studies show that it is on the rise among men aged 15–34 having increased from 11.6% in 1980 to 44.2% in 2003. Compared to other European countries, Ireland has a higher suicide rate among young men and less among older people. (Health Report Board Study- Irish Examiner 2007).

I could write a book on the crazy state of affairs that is job hunting in Ireland today. Only this week I attended an interview for a Reservations Sales Agent with a south county Dublin car hire firm.

The first thing that shocked me was, that in 2009!!! Someone still thinks an aptitude test is acceptable. Talk about the land that time forgot. I was advised I had 15 minutes to complete these 4 pages of questions.

The first page, which is included in the time was general information on me!!! Er these guys had already seen my CV, so they knew my name, where I lived... Ok so it asked how long I'd been driving and had I any convictions or points. But this could have been asked during the interview or during the application stage.

Next was maths or arithmetic for those of the "old school". Printed in bold across the top of the page was "NO CALCULATORS"!!! Yes like mobile phones, we have become slaves to technology. How many important phone numbers can you recite off the top of your head. I know people who don't even know their mobile number!!! I can recite my mobi and my home number, ok so I was around when we didn't have mobiles.(No I'm not showing my age)

But maths is not the strongest area for a lot of people. I can add, multiply, subtract... er yes but I was a little fuzzy on big numbers from small numbers. I could recite what I learned by rote, "six from zero you cannot take... Six from ten ... carry down the one..." That's what I remembered. Then there was percentages... Ah Jesus!!! I feared looking down the page for finding everyone's classroom nightmare, Algebra!!!! But percentages without a calculator? Ok 10% is one thing 25% of a price is divide by 4 then take it away. Supposedly I got it wrong. But I just checked on the calculator(for peace of mind)... I was right!!!

The only way you will be without a calculator in this day and age is if a) your stuck in the middle of the Gobi desert without any battery on your phone. What type of percentage are you trying to do then? You have greater things to worry about, if your trying to barter for water from a Nomad Just pay what he's asking.

b) Your at the office when a thermo-nuclear war is declared and some sort of Electro Magnet Pulse(EMP) device has been detonated near you. Again Fight or Flight reactions do not require you to work out a percentage of anything. As the saying goes "lets get the flock outta here.."

The next page was problem solving.... Oh Christ!! What relevance did this have to renting cars... questions like fill in the missing number from this sequence, or a watch loses this amount of time over 12 days how much does it lose in a day?... By this stage I was losing the will to live.

The final page was the Piece De Resistance... "Stupid Questions" as I call them, things like: Does England have a 4th of July? Or you have one match, and enter room with a oil lamp, gas lamp and kindling, which do you light first? Ha! Pass the Valium..

I didn't get the last page finished, because the interviewer walked back into the room, probably early but I wasn't going to quibble. She went down the answer sheet she had and ticked an X'd here and there. Then she started the interview. A few minutes later an older gentleman entered the room, he introduced himself as the MD. He then took up my CV and took over the interview, a classic "Good Cop, Bad Cop" scenario.

His first question was, are you working? There's 500,000 out of work at this moment. If I was in gainful employment I wouldn't be going after such a lowly paid job. So no.

His next barrage was where do you live? Who do you live with? Do you have family? Whoa!!! Stop the bus, firstly the address and town I live in was printed clearly at the top of my CV. As for who I live with and whether I have dependents or not comes under equality laws. You can't ask this question of a woman and the same applies to a man. In hindsight, I should have stopped the interview and corrected him. But I smiled sweetly and answered.

Just as quickly as he'd entered he left, saying something about the phone call he had to take. I didn't ask him to leave them on hold. His interruption was pointless as he seriously needs to go on an interviewing refresher course.

The original interviewer then wrapped up with a brief job description, shook my hand and made small talk as she walked to the front door. As I left I swear I saw an ark parked outside the door.

FLYING COMMENTS

I'm sitting here tossing a 20 cent coin, I always do this when someone makes a ridiculous complaint. Not that I don't complain myself, but having spent a good few years in various service industries, I can sympathise with the person on the other side of the counter, when there's a delay or breakdown which affects me. 95% of the time it's none of their fault, but being the face of the organisation they work for they have to smile sweetly and try explain the problem, usually with very little info on the exact cause.

I've just returned from a lovely weekend in London, where I attended a family birthday. There should be health warnings on these weekends. You leave fresh faced, touchdown meet and greet all the "rellies" you haven't seen in ages. Drink to every bloody thing going, from the French Revolution to Palin for president. Then the day after the event you're sapped of all energy. For this weekend, I was uptil 4am on Saturday morning then in bed by 12am on the Saturday night!!!! I'm bloody 39, if I was at home I'd be running to the doctor, if I was in bed that early(Swine-Flu...My Ass).

Anyway there I was yesterday on a Ryanair flight home that was delayed. Some people will say that's nothing new, to me and my experiences of this great airline, it's a rarity. No one complained about this openly, but when we had completed the mad tight fisted scramble for seats( no one pays for Priority Boarding, but they complain bitterly when we can't sit with their loved ones, some might say that's a god send). As I was settling into my seat the bloke opposite hails the stewardess and says, I'd like to complain. My eyes go towards heaven, he goes onto the say... wait for it, the Stairs to the plane were too wobbly and his daughter missed a step!!!!!

For the love of god, how anally repressed do you have to be. If he'd thought this through logically, Ryanair don't actually own the mobile steps we boarded on, it's BAA at Gatwick. So going to a foreign stewardess whose trying her best to get us seated and away in 25 minutes... this is entering funny farm territory. This guy is probably the same chap who complains to the bed company if he stubs his toe in the morning. There are people out there who find fault with anything, these are the people you just want to take outside and give em a good slap!!(I'm not condoning violence, but some idiots like this ask to be taken in hand and if not slapped hard then Sectioned).

So what did our nice Latvian stewardess do? Smiled sweetly and asked him to write a letter. He said he would... Coz he obviously has nothing better to do then keep the Ryanair Customer service dept. laughing, can you imagine how many of these letters they receive each week. A car hire firm I worked for previously used to post the best(or Stupidest, more appropriately) on the wall of the office for all to see. It was a real tonic, having a bad day, go on up to the CS Dept. and laugh your bloody socks off.

So to the idiotic chap on flight Fr117 from Gatwick to Dublin on Sunday 26th of July. Get a F***ing life... Better still go fly with an inordinately expensive competitor, coz their are plenty of others willing to pay the €5 return. Oh and from all your friends at Ryanair's Customer Service Dept. Thank you for making their Monday a little brighter.

The 20 cent? Is for you, to give someone a call who gives a bloody damn, although with the advent of mobile phones does it cost 20 cent?

ANGELS AND DEMONIC PARISHIONERS

As I write this piece, the annual Bray festival is in full swing, lastnight I attended a wine tasting in a local bar and then went down to the Italian street Party just off the seafront. Amidst the wine, pasta and the enchanting Italian music, I could just imagine Dan Brown lurking in the shadows taking notes and breathing in the atmosphere of this large north Wicklow town.

For if you rise above the rooftops and look west you will see the imposing edifice of the Church of the Most Holy Redeemer, why Dan's interest? There are rumours of dark things happening within the hallowed walls of this fine church, that may just be what Dan is looking for to spark his next novel.

Everything in life has a natural order, we are all in a food chain of sorts, mankind thinks it's at the top. As we have seen, we've created pandemics that now put us down the pecking order, as well as the greed driven consumption of our natural resources and the threatening of our very

existence on this planet.

Natural order, also has it's role in the selection process for jobs, so we think. So do the leaders of the Dublin diocese. A little over a year ago they appointed a new parish priest to Holy Redeemer, a youngish Irish man who'd spent the last twenty years ministering and lecturing in the U.S. He came back with a bag full of ideas from the new world, and was welcomed with open arms. Well one atleast, the other may have been behind their backs...

He didn't move into the presbytery with the other priests, but rented an apartment in the town. Nowt wrong, he's lived by himself for a good few years, having middle aged flatmates can be of a shock to the system. Then he started by introducing new things into the mass, such as delivering a sermon through a radio microphone and walking along the front of the altar and picking people out of the congregation and asking them questions(I heard he was going to look for spot prizes next). Whats wrong with that, everything needs to change, a new broom sweeps clean etc,etc.

What the new man hadn't bargained on was something started up by his predecessor. The Parish Council. The who? They're a group of parishioners who offer to help run the parish on a day to day basis. It seems this enlightened group, has taken it upon it's self to do more then just count the takings in the Sunday baskets, arrange the flowers and clean the church. Now they're getting involved in the selection process of the priests, starting by contacting the Arch Bishops office and telling him to replace the new parish priest, because he doesn't conform to their out-dated draconian standards of worship.

They succeeded, the new man. Ok after a year, is he still new man? Probably depends on your point of view. is being moved.

But the whole affair is being played down. I spoke to a friend whose involved in the parish who claims that he hadn't made many new friends and was brusque and unapproachable. While his bedside manner and treatment of ill or dying was outstanding. They also went onto tell me that he himself was unhappy as he didn't realise how large a position he was coming back to, as his previous posting was in a small town in America where he held mass in a community hall every Sunday. Where as here he was dropped into one of the larger parishes on the southside of Dublin.

It's no surprise that the small cabal from the Parish Council, is made up mainly of women. So whats next? Will these ladies decide to unseat the pope. One parishioner said, they can't get too picky there aren't that many priests out there who still do things the old way.

My advice to them is, ladies stick to the coffee mornings, baking scones and idle gossiping and leave witch hunts to the KKK. Recruitment to Sir Alan Sugar and gods natural selection. Because power corrupts and all power corrupts absolutely. Also your not on the council by any devine right, so watch your backs, you maybe the ones being told "your fired" next.

What of the innocent party, he's going to a chaplaincy posting at a Dublin hospital. Good luck to you father, you were saved a fate worse then death and a chalk-line on the alter steps...

THE BANK STOPS HERE

Did you hear this on the news over the weekend? The Manhattan Transport Authority(MTA) has sold the naming rights for one of it's subway stations to Barclay's bank for the next twenty years.

The station in question is Atlantic Avenue, which also serves Pacific Street and Flatbush Avenue in Downtown Brooklyn. Shortly it will become the Barclay's, Atlantic Ave., Pacific St., Flatbush Ave. stop. I'll need a few drinks to get that out in one go...

It's not unusual for corporate companies to buy naming rights to stadiums and other large concert and event arenas. Take the 02 here in Dublin and London, formerly the Point Depot and the the Millennium Dome respectively. Then there's the the stadium which replaced Highbury as the home of Arsenal football club in London, it's called the Emirates stadium after the airline. Not forgetting for the rugby aficionados the new redeveloped Lansdowne Road in Dublin will from next year be known as the Aviva Stadium after the international Insurance firm bought the naming rights.

But as for naming stations, I suppose it's a logical step, originally most stations and airports where named geographically. Dublin Airport for example, is still referred to as Dublin, despite the calls to name it after such political and sporting luminaries as Jack Charlton or Charles Haughey. But in the past twenty years or so it's become fashionable to dedicate a station or airport to a political or sporting figure.

Here in Dublin most of the stations are named after those involved the 1916 rising. On the Southside we have Pearse Street - named after Padraig Pearse, who led the rising. There's Connolly Station on the Northside(originally called Amiens St. Because that's where it's situated) - named after James Connolly, another leader of the rising. Then up the river on the Southside we have Heuston Station - named after Sean Heuston also a member of rising. Going south from Dublin we have Dun Laoghaire DART station recently named Dun Laoghaire "Mallin" after Michael Mallin who was James Connolly's 2nd in command and in the town of Bray 13 miles south of Dublin the Station was also recently renamed Bray Daly after Edward Daly who again fought in the rising.

Going abroad we have Charles De Gaulle airport in Paris, John Lennon airport in Liverpool and again the recently christened George Best international airport in Belfast. Not forgetting the more well known U.S. airports such JFK in New York, Chicago's O'Hare (named after after Lieutenant Commander Edward "Butch" O'Hare a WWII flying ace awarded the Medal Of Honor) and the Ronald Reagan international in Washington D.C.

D.C. also has its main airport Dulles, which was named after John Foster Dulles who was Sec. of State under Eisenhower.

So where to next? If Barclay's can buy a station name will we have Nike Grand Central or maybe they'd be happier with the Charles De Gaulle Nike Air-port. Think of the advertising slogans that could be used... "Swish in and out of the fashion capital".

I suppose Subway's options are limited or numerous whichever way your looking at it. but I'm perplexed as to why Barclay's had to go all the way to NYC to buy a station name. When you consider that there's a station on the London Underground called "Bank", wouldn't have been easier to rename that Barclay's bank... Maybe one of it's UK competitors will take it up...

One last thought is, if Barclays can buy the name of a station, whats stopping them buying the name of the underground or subway... It would give a new meaning to the phrases, "The buck stops here.." or "Money makes the train go round.."